he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
