Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
