Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
