I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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