Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
