maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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