1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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