My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Randomize
