I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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