I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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