I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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