I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
