I wish I could teleport
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
