That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
