So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Randomize
