my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I love you. Go after that dick
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
