I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
This beer is not sobering me up at all
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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