me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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