Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
