I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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