I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Oh god it's open bar.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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