If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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