woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
