I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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