Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
