rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
