i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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