She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You are the jesus of drinking
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
