I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
