I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
