just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
