i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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