i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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