I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
