I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
