bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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