I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Randomize
