I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
