someone threw a dead crab at me
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
