Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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