the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
