i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
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