I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
