there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
