just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
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