If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
