Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
