i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
