Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
