if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
