I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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