No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
