I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Semen is not good for contacts.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You made out with two different species that night
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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