All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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