I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
