Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
