i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
