SEEEEXXX PLEASE
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
