i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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