Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
