Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
