Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
