Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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